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A guy walks into a bar with a
small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog...
this dog can play the piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play
that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"
So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and
the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons
are enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small
dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the
guy, "What was that all about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She
wanted him to be a doctor."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Einstein dies and goes to heaven...
...
Saint Peter says, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the
lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you
really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have
a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a
blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe
with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint
Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to
Heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint
Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that
blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases
Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few
strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist
you claim to be! Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W.
Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso
both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W
looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter
sighs, "Come on in, George."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Horse Terms.......
- Auction: A popular social gathering where you
can change your horse from a liability into an asset.
- Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at
horse-show food stands.
- Colt: What your mare gives you when you want
a filly.
- Endurance ride: End result when your horse
spooks and runs away with you.
- Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture
manure.
- Fence: Decorative structure built to provide
your horse something to chew on.
- Grooming: Fine art of removing dirt from your
horse's body and applying it to your own.
- Hock: Financial condition of all horse
owners.
- Lungeing: Popular training method in which a
horse exercises his owner by spinning him in circles until dizzy.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport,
Md.
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If I Had My
Life to Live over - by Erma Bombeck
- I would have gone to bed when I was sick
instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I
weren't there for the day.
- I would have burned the pink candle sculpted
like a rose before it melted in storage.
- I would have talked less and listened more.
- I would have invited friends over to dinner
even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
- I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good'
living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted
to light a fire in the fireplace.
- I would have taken the time to listen to my
grandfather ramble about his youth. I would have shared more of the
responsibility carried by my husband.
- I would never have insisted the car windows
be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and
sprayed.
- I would have sat on the lawn with my grass
stains.
- I would have cried and laughed less while
watching television and more while watching life.
- I would never have bought anything just
because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to
last a lifetime.
- Instead of wishing away nine months of
pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the
wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God
in a miracle.
- When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would
never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would
have been more "I love you's" More "I'm sorry's."
- But mostly, given another shot at life, I
would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it and
never give it back. Stop Sweating the Small Stuff!!!
Submitted by Dory,
Pittsburgh, Pa.
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Police Quotes
- "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
- "The handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
- "So, you don't know how fast you were going.
I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
- "The answer to this last question will
determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or
dog?"
- "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We
used to have quotas, but now
- we're allowed to write as many tickets as we
want."
- "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm
warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
- "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're
stupid."
- "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
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Not the
vet again!
Submitted by Bill,
Ardmore, Pa. |
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Sept 27th Humor Page
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