So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. He arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, baseball bat, shot gun and mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" asks the homeowner.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of my van." He hands the shot gun to the homeowner.

What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
  Female customer: A white one...
   
• Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
  Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
  Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
  Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
   
• Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left o f the screen.
  Customer: Your left or my left?
   
• Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
  Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
  Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
  Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
   
• Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
   
• Customer: I have problems printing in red...
  Tech support: Do you have a color printer? 
  Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
   
• Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
  Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
   
• Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
  Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
  Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
  Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
  Customer:! OK
  Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
  Customer: Yes
  Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
  Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

• Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
  Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

• Customer: can't get on the Internet.
  Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
  Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
  Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
  Customer: Five stars.

• Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
  Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
   
• Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
   
• Tech support: How may I help you?
  Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
  Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
  Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
   
• A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
  Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
  Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

And last but not least...

• Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P.
  Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
  Customer: What do you mean?
  Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
  Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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• When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
• When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
• When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
• When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
• When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
• When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
• When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
• When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
• When you are tired, let me carry the load.
• When you need to learn, let me teach you.

After all, I am your horse.

****And now, the REAL story........****

• When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in the woods, and we need to leave NOW.
• When you are short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
• When you are shortsighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in 40 acres I am hiding.
• When you are quick to react, let me teach you that herbivore's kick MUCH faster than omnivores.
• When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet, because I don't FEEL like cantering on my right lead today, that's why.
• When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
• When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. I TOLD you about those lions in the woods.
• When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs of YAHOO-let's-go suitably inspired event horse can do.
• When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.
• When you are tired, let me remind you of the 600 lbs of grain that needs to be unloaded.
• When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services, additional".

Submitted by Valerie, somewhere in Virginia
 

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WASHINGTON , DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation which will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing"

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees.

The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled--banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan , due to her lack of any discernible job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy: "As a Senator With No Abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
 

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GM: General Maintenance

GMC:

• Garage Man’s Companion
• Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA:

• Had One, Never Did Again
• Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else

HYUNDAI:

• Hope You Understand Nothing`s Dr And Inexpensive
• MAZDA: Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE:

• Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
• Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB:

• Send Another Automobile Back
• Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW: Virtually Worthless

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co
 

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Everybody's doing Kung Fu fightin!

Also submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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Dec 12th Humor Page