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Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to
be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde
and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or
outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see
one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of
seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking
at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests...
..., he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said
He asked, 'Do you gamble, or drive fast cars?' 'No,' I said. He looked at me and said,....
'Then, why do you even care?'
Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.
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Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one evening.
They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi- conscious man in a pool of blood.
"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten," he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague,
"You know the person that did this really needs help."
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md
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How to tell if the restaurant is not first rate
- The Master Chef is always sitting down reading "The Racing Forum". His culinary arts degree is from Horn and Hardart.
- All of the first six booths are occupied by the wait staff-taking naps.
- There is more food in the dumpster than in the restaurant.
- The menu has white-out under the hand-written prices.
- Only cars from the health department is parked in the front The owners are in jail.
- You need a password to get in the front door. (Not "Swordfish!.")
- Nobody has need to shovel out the front door in the winter (nobody uses it anyway).
- The truck from the dog pound is parked there every Monday morning.
- The restaurant sign outside hasn't worked in two years.
- Truckers never stop there.
- You need to bring litmus paper to test the coffee.
- There is a sign outside that says "Lion Club now meets at McDonalds-two doors down".
- Even the cooks leave for lunch.
- Nobody seems to be eating, they are there to watch the soap operas in the afternoon.
- Sign says "Tour Busses Needed--free meal for bus driver".
- There are rumors that the place is haunted with the ghost of your old Army cook from 'nam.
- They prefer to use paper plates instead of china, and they continually wash the plastic cutlery.
- They are always inviting nursing home residents over for "tea and trumpets".
- The cook died three weeks ago, and nobody knows the nationality of who is back there now, except that he has a strange wart.
- The garbage truck in the back is making a delivery.
Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
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Declaration Of Independence Reply
The Court of King George III
London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious
consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement.
The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
- In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature’s God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments?
Please document with citations from the recent literature.
- In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of
opinion.
- You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting
statistics.
- "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an
average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of
the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
- You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have
you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
- Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs
improvement.
- Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to
the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We
have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
- Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee?
Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
- You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne’s War.
- What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
- Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for
unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
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Excellent robberies - Download Video
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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August 1st Humor Page
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