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A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level,
assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided
today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his
wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray...
... and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing; because
everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!"
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
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| Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant!
She is furious. Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her.
She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me
pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
Submitted by Chris, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Growing Older Is...
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- A fortune teller offers to read your face.
- You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
- You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.
- You are startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer".
- You answer automatically when someone addresses you "Old Timer."
- You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.
- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
- Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.
- You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised.
- You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
- The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.
- The thought of getting out of bed never occurs to you.
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed
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| A magazine invited its readers to submit new scientific theories on any subject.
Below is the winner:
Subject: Perpetual Motion
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's
back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could
form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.
......... and then this mail got this reply from one of the readers
I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to
be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat
and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.
Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t(t)/t(c)
where p is the probability of carpet impact s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in
permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero.
t(c) and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as
even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.
So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of
one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet.
Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off
the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened
if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research. Therefore it is in the interests, not only of public safety but also public sanity, if the
buttered-toast-on-cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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Pick your favorite Caption. (I love that look).
![[]](../../../pictures/2008/Fwhmmmmm12.jpg)
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"Why did I marry her? Why didn't I just put a loaded gun in my mouth? Why God, Why?"
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"Holy crap, look at that ass. Somewhere, a semi-truck is missing its 'Oversized Load' sign.
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"Somewhere, there's two fat girls naked in a hot tub and I'm stuck here listening to her jabber on about health care.
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"Sheesh, Rush is soo right - She does sound like Nurse Ratchett!"
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"Wow!! I could'a had a V8!!"
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.
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Feb 18th Humor Page
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