Humor Selections for Feb 29th, 2008


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Difference between Men and Women

Names

  • If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
  • If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

Eating Out

  • When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
  • When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

Bathrooms

  • A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
  • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Arguments

  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
  • Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

  • Women love cats.
  • Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Future

  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success

  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MArraige

  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Dressing Up

  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
  • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring

  • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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Movie computers vs real Computer
  • A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
  • Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)
  • Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.
  • When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
  • If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")
  • - If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
  • No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
  • The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.
  • Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
  • Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.
  • Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")
  • Word processors never display a cursor.
  • You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
  • All monitors display inch-high letters.
  • High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
  • Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
  • Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
  • Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")
  • All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
  • Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
  • All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.
  • People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.

When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two.

And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six.

And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four ... "

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

The woman answered, " Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md..
 

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I was traveling in 'Blue State' when a tire on my car blew out.

Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.

My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, 'Need a lift?'

'Yes, I sure do,' I replied.

'You a Republican or Democrat,' asked the old man.

'Republican,' I replied.

'Well, you can just go to Hell,' yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.

Again, I gave the same answer, 'Republican.'

The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.

She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.

'Democrat!', I shouted.

'Hop in!', replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, 'Please stop the car.'

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.

'What's the matter?', she asked.

'I can't take it anymore,' I replied. 'I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody!!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Murphy on Work
  • There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
  • The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
  • If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
  • You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
  • People are always available for work in the past tense.
  • If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  • At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
  • When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
  • You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
  • There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
  • Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
  • Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
  • Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
  • Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
  • To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
  • Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
  • Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
  • The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.
 

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Friends come and go! Watch the end!  Download Video

I wonder what happened then

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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BBQ Grills Designed By Men For Men
 
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The car is/was a 1978 Holden HZ GTS Monaro

If you'd like something on the smaller side, might we suggest this...

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And if you really want to impress your friends....

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Of course, some of our clientele operate on a low budget, in which case, this might be right up your "Poor Boy" alley... The Oil Pan Hibachi: for those smaller yet, get-togethers.

Also submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.
 

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