• At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here and get gas."
• At a Sante Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
• In a New Hampshire jewelry store: "Ears pierced while you wait."
• In an New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
• In a Michigan restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm! Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."
• On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."
• On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law -- Sisters of Mercy"
• On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
• In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
• On a movie theater: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."
• In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed!"
• In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy.

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it is better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.

"Another political sex scandal in the New York area in the papers today. Unbelievable what's going on lately. This is the latest. A man who used to be the chauffeur for New Jersey's former governor, Jim McGreevey, is claiming that he used to have three-way sex with McGreevy and his wife. Yeah. True story. When asked about it, McGreevey said, 'That's a lie. I would never have had sex with my wife.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Governor Spitzer of New York officially, who officially resigned today has got more problems, because they're now saying he spent thousands of dollars on these prostitutes and tried to make it look like a legitimate expense. Yeah, yeah. Like after he had sex with them, he'd make the hooker go out and fix a pothole." --Jay Leno

"It was an exciting day up in Albany. At the governor's mansion earlier today, women were outside of the governor's mansion wearing buttons that read 'Kiss me, I'm $4,000.'" --David Letterman

"And then, of course, more news on the Spitzer scandal. It was reported today that the prostitute in the Eliot Spitzer scandal also had sex with Charlie Sheen. When asked about it, Sheen said, 'Hey, she's a prostitute, I'm Charlie Sheen, it was bound to happen'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton, hard at work campaigning today. That's right. Today, Hillary Clinton said that the war would end up costing $1 trillion. Hillary wasn't talking about Iraq. She was talking about her war with Barack Obama." --Conan O'Brien

"But President Bush is concerned about the economy. He admitted today that the economy is a little sluggish, a little sluggish right now. The same way Elvis is a little sluggish right now, too. Elvis can't come out, he's a little sluggish." --David Letterman

"They were celebrating St. Patrick's Day down in Washington and, of course, President Bush was so confused. He comes out on the White House lawn and pardons the corned beef. " --David Letterman