Humor Selections for April 27th, 2009
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A carrot crosses the road and is hit by a car.

He is rushed to the hospital, where he goes through hours of surgery.

After surgery the doctor comes into the carrot?s room and says ?Well, I?ve got good news and bad news.?

The carrot says, ?Give me the good news first, doc.?

The doctor says, ?The good news is you?re gonna live.?

?And the bad news?? asks the carrot.

?The bad news is your gonna be a vegetable for the rest of your life?

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
  

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An Irish priest was transferred to Texas

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn..

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this.

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a with replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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In the traffic court a young lady was brought before the judge...

... to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Useless Trivia Take 13
  • The oldest known vegetable is the pea.
  • The avocado has the most calories of any fruit.
  • The first zoo in the USA was in Philadelphia.
  • The letter "n" ends all Japanese words not ending in a vowel.
  • France has the highest per capita consumption of cheese.
  • The hardest bone in the human body is the jawbone.
  • 4,000 people are injured by teapots each year.
  • The typical American consumes 27 pounds of cheese each year.
  • The shortest English word that contains the letters A, B, C, D, E, and F is "feedback."
  • The state of California raises the most turkeys out of all of the states.
  • George Washington Carver invented peanut butter.
  • A scallop has 35 blue eyes.
  • The left leg of a chicken in more tender than the right one.
  • The only dog that doesn't have a pink tongue is the chow.
  • The giraffe has the highest blood pressure of any animal.
  • The dumbest domesticated animal is the turkey.
  • Russia has the most movie theaters in the world.
  • The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue.
  • The most fatal car accidents occur on Saturday.
  • Gabriel Fahrenheit invented the mercury thermometer.
  • The mongoose was barred live entry into the U.S. in 1902.
  • Goldfish swallowing started at Harvard in 1939.
  • Dry fish food can make goldfish constipated.
  • Your urine will turn bright yellow if you eat too much asparagus.
  • Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except the Catholic church.
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How did this happen?!?!

 
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Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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