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| After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.
His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time... ..., and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they
didn't, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa.
They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.
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| A young woman wasn't feeling well... ..., and asked one of her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.
"I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A man who was unemployed for several months...
... gets a job with Public Works painting lines down the center of rural roads. The supervisor tells him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The man agrees to the conditions and starts the next day.
The supervisor checks and finds the man completed 4 miles. "Great," he thought, "this man will work out." The next day he finds the man only did 2 miles but the supervisor thought, "well he is still at the average and I don't want him to get discouraged."
The third day however the man only did one mile and the Boss thought, "I need to talk to him." The boss pulls the new employee in and says, "Son, you were doing great. The first day you did four miles and the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure, anything keeping
you from meeting the two mile minimum?"
The man replied, "I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.
- "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
- "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
- "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
- "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
- "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
- "I am a rabid typist."
- "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
- "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
- "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
- "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
- "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
- "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
- "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
- "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
- "Qualifications: No education or experience."
- "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
- "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
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| Victor Molev Metamorphosis - Download Slide Show Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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During a private "fly-in" fishing excursion in the Alaskan wilderness... ..., the chartered pilot and fishermen left a cooler and bait in the plane. And a bear smelled it. This is what he did to the plane.
The pilot used his radio and had another pilot bring him 2 new tires, 3 cases of duct tape, and a supply of sheet plastic. He patched the plane together, and FLEW IT HOME !
Duct Tape - Never Leave Home Without It
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed!
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