Humor Selections for December 16th, 2013
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl was mesmerized by the whole spectacle.

Finally, she leaned over and whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother explained, trying to keep it simple.

The youngster thought about this for a while.

"So then, why," she finally asked her mother after putting the pieces together, "is the groom wearing black?"
 

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Jokes for Geeks

Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: "Oh heck, I forgot to feed the dog!"

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: "Hello, I'd like a beer."
The barman replies: "Hello, you'd like a beer?"
"Yes," replies the TCP packet, "I'd like a beer."

When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

The barman says: "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here."
A tachyon enters a bar.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it's a hardware problem.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "Five beers, please."

An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says, "Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?"

The electron replies, "Oh great, now I'm lost."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: "What'll it be, boys?"
The first mathematician: "I'll have one half of a beer."
The second mathematician: "I'll have one quarter of a beer."
The third: "I'll have one eight of a beer."
The fourth: "I'll have one sixteenth---"
The bartender interrupts: "Know your limits, boys" as he pours out a single beer.

What does the "B" in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?
Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
 

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Late Night humor
  • On Monday, President Obama paid tribute to America's oldest living veteran, 107-year-old Richard Overton. Overton credits his longevity to drinking whiskey and smoking 12 cigars every day. Now there's a health plan we can all get behind. - Jay Leno
  • You know that smiling woman who was featured on the home page of Healthcare.gov? She asked for her picture to be removed after she was cyber-bullied. She's hiding where nobody can see her — at Healthcare.gov. - Conan O'Brien
  • Pope Francis has been named the most discussed person on the Internet. The second most discussed person on the Internet is his daughter Miley Francis. -David Letterman
  • Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted last week to having smoked crack while in office. Since then he has said multiple times that he will not step down. Legally they can't force him to. The city council held a meeting to vote on whether or not to ask him to resign. That seems very Canadian to me. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • Kanye West said he wants to be the "Obama of clothing." To achieve his goal, he's designing fashions that nobody wants and offering them on a website that doesn't work. - Jay Leno
  • Some are saying that while at Nelson Mandela's memorial, President Obama flirted with the female prime minister of Denmark right in front of Michelle Obama. Man, if President Obama felt that the flight to South Africa was long, can you imagine the way home? - Conan O'Brien
  • The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under 2 not be exposed to screens like iPads because it can impede their brain development. Although if it keeps the kid quiet while I'm at Costco, let's bring that brain development to a halt. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • President Obama released a video this week to encourage kids to learn how to write computer code. Then he said, "Preferably, in the next two or three weeks. It would really help me out of a jam." - Jimmy Fallon
  • This is the greatest guy story of all time. A man in China committed suicide at a shopping mall by jumping seven stories to his death after his girlfriend said she wanted to visit just one more shoe store. The guy couldn’t take it — talk about "shop 'til you drop" - Jay Leno
  • Due to inflation, a cup of coffee in Russia costs $8.30. In other words, they now have Starbucks in Russia. - Conan O'Brien
  • They say Tom Hanks is the nicest guy in Hollywood. I don't agree. He sent me a fruit basket to thank me for having him on the show. It had a lot of green melon in it. Who likes green melon? Nobody, that's who. So, no thanks, Tom Hanks, you monster. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • New documents leaked by Edward Snowden show that the NSA actually spied on people while they played the video game World of Warcraft. I don't know — to me it sounds like some NSA agents had to think quick when they got caught playing World of Warcraft at work. - Jimmy Fallon
  • In Syria, Muslim rebels are so desperate for food they broke into the zoo and ate a lion. That shows you how things are changing in the Mideast. In the old days they used to feed the Christians to the lions, and now they're feeding the lions to the Muslims. - Jay Leno
  • There are freezing temperatures across the country right now. In Hollywood, temperatures are in the 50s. Of course, since it's Hollywood, the weather is telling everyone it's only in its mid-30s. - Conan O'Brien
  • Did you see "The Sound of Music"? It was the most exciting live TV event since Matt Lauer's on-air prostate examination. - David Letterman
  • Most of the country is in a deep freeze today. It's so cold that in Texas people were crossing back into Mexico for the warmth. - Craig Ferguson
  • It's Finnish Independence Day, everybody. Every year I celebrate by doing Finnish things, like staring out of the window and contemplating my alcoholism. - Craig Ferguson
  • There were huge celebrations all across Finland. By that I mean some people almost cracked a smile. - Craig Ferguson
  • The Finns are reserved, quiet, and really polite. That's why they're known as the Canadians of Europe, except the mayor of Helsinki doesn't smoke crack — allegedly. - Craig Ferguson
  • Newsweek magazine recently named Finland the "overall best country in the world." I'm like, well, based on what? I actually don't know. But you can trust "Newsweek" because they're part of a desperate, dying industry. - Craig Ferguson
  • At a White House holiday party, the Obama's dog, Sonny, reportedly knocked over a small child. So although President Obama's approval rating is down to 40 percent, he's now number one on YouTube. - Conan O'Brien
  • Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is an entertaining fellow, the gift that keeps on giving. According to police reports, Ford once did heroin with gang members. In his defense, Ford said, "We had to, they were completely out of crack." - Conan O'Brien
  • Earlier tonight was the three-hour performance of "The Sound of Music." It was on NBC live. Maria was played by "American Idol" winner Carrie Underwood. She joins a long list of "American Idol" winners who've gone on to big things. Like Jennifer Hudson — and that other guy. - Craig Ferguson
  • Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reiterated that he should be re-elected mayor of Toronto because he saves taxpayers money. I think he should be re-elected because he's hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • Obamacare is still struggling to get off the ground. Experts now say the success or failure of Obamacare will depend on whether young people sign up. Which is why as of today it covers medical marijuana. - Conan O'Brien
  • This is a crazy story. For two decades, the secret launch code for America's nuclear missiles was 0000000000. Even more amazing, George W. Bush forgot it twice. - Conan O'Brien
  • A new miniseries premiered tonight called "Mob City." It's about the 1940s when gangsters came from the east to L.A. In those days L.A. was overrun by gangsters — swarthy animals who stopped at nothing to shake people down for a few bucks. Today that role is filled by Kardashians. - Craig Ferguson
  • Justin Bieber is busy traveling around the world. He was in Australia where again he spray painted a wall. This is something he's done in multiple countries now. He also did it in Brazil and Colombia. The world is Justin Bieber's coloring book. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading. -  Conan O'Brien
  • Today the White House confirmed that Obama will be signing up for Obamacare. Yeah, which is good because his current health plan doesn't cover headaches and depression caused by Obamacare.
  • Ozzy Osbourne turns 65 today. I thought he would be a bit older than that. He's too old to bite the heads off bats. Now he bites the tops off bottles of ointment.
  • President Obama spoke today in defense of the Affordable Care Act. He said it's a disaster and he's sorry he tried. Did you know the speeches he's made about affordable health care is greater than the number of people who have signed up for it? - Jimmy Kimmel
  • In Nevada, where prostitution is legal — true story — prostitutes are signing up for Obamacare. Which explains why the most popular pick-up line in Nevada is, "Let me help you with your co-pay." - Conan O'Brien
  • This week, fast-food workers in 100 American cities are going on strike, a true story. The workers behind the counter want higher wages and better conditions. The drive-thru workers? No one can understand what they want. What? What did you say? - Conan O'Brien
  • Amazon announced plans for an amazing service called Amazon Prime Air. When you order something from Amazon that weighs five pounds or less, a robot will drop your package on your doorstep. It's all part of Amazon's pledge to drive your dog insane. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • You know in some countries seeing an unmanned drone means your village is about to be destroyed. In America it means you ordered Mad Men on Blu-ray. - Jimmy Kimmel

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Feline Physics

  • Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food or a nearby scurrying mouse.
  • Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
  • Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
  • Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
  • Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
  • Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
  • Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
  • Law of Cat Obstruction: A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
  • Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
  • Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
  • Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
  • Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
  • First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
  • Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
  • Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
  • Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
  • Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
  • Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
  • Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
  • Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
  • Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
  • Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
  • Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
  • Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
  • Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
  • Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter = It Doesn't Matter.

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Memo from Santa Claus:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.

I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

  1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
     
  2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
     
  3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
     
  4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
     
  5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
     
  6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
     
  7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
     
  8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
      
  9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
  

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I hate this time of year because it's the season when the food police come out . . .

. . . with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway. 

  1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
     
  2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
     
  3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
     
  4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
     
  5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
     
  6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
     
  7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
     
  8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
     
  9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
     
  10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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A long, long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. . . .

But there were problems everywhere. Four of the elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce toys nearly as quickly as the regular elves, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of falling behind schedule.

Next, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa out even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer for the big flight, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
More STRESS.

Then, Santa began to load the sleigh, but one of the boards cracked! The toy bag fell through to the ground, scattering toys everywhere.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house to have a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he got to the cupboard, Santa realized that the elves had hidden all of the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, Santa accidentally dropped the coffee pot and sent it shattering to the floor. It broke into hundreds of tiny pieces.

Santa went to the closet to get the broom, but discovered that mice had eaten all of the straw, leaving only the handle.

Just at that very moment, the doorbell rang. Santa cussed all the way to the door. He opened the door, and standing there in front of him was a little angel with a big Christmas tree.

Very Cheerfully, the angel said, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful Christmas tree here, just for you. Don't you think it's just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

. . . . . . And, thus began our tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree.
 

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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration . . .

. . ., and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're going to lose an engine on takeoff."

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.
  

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Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
  • Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
  • Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
  • Dementia: I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
  • Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
  • Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and......
  • Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
  • Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
  • Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
  • Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

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Larry the Cable Guy's version of 'twas the night before Christmas - Download Video

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD
 

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December 8th Humor Page