One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!

How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"DONE!" Replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how it works.

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• "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
• "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb
• "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
• "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
• "He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
• "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
• "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."-- Mae West
• "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

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... and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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... has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
 
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
 
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
 
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
 
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
 
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration.
 
Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.
The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
 
And Cat would not obey them.
 
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
 
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
 
And they were greatly improved.
 
And God was pleased
 
And Dog was happy.
 
And Cat didn't give a crap one way or the other.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.
 

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"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded one jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor.

All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.
 

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Why aborigines need mobile phones - Download Video

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed.
 

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Top Fountains of the World

Las Vegas

Las Vegas

Dubai
 

Moscow
 

Barcelona
 

Tivoli
 

Tivoli

Rome

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.
 

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Oct 17th Humor Page