• The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
• Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
• Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
• All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
• Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
• Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
• Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
• A harp is a nude piano.
• Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.
• I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
• My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
• Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
• Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

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There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said 'Screw the Preacher!'
 

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He goes to the Dr and finds out that a glass eye is very expensive so he decides to get a wooden eye which is a lot cheaper. After the accident he is afraid to go out of the house and becomes a recluse. His buddy finally talks him into going to a dance.

He is standing around when his buddy talks him into asking a girl for a dance.

Now the girl is in the same boat as the man because she has very large ears and this is her first time out for a long while too.

He goes up to the girl and says "Would you like to dance?"

All excited, the girl and replies "Oh would I"

Thinking she had said 'wood eye' he begins to yell ' big ears, big ears!!'

Submitted by Jack ...

(Now if this isn't a groaner I don't know what a groaner is!)
 

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... that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking for work."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touc h this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T', (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.

Submitted by my Blacksmith Dick, Williamsport, Md.

(If a blacksmith says it's true, then it has to be true - Mike)
 

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Submitted by my carpenter brother Bill, Ardmore. Pa.
 

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Political Commentary

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK.
 

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Oct 22nd Humor Page