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| Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day... ..., and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and
pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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| One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.
After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
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| A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the
others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says 'What's the food like here?'
The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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Our Town Is So Small...
- Our city limits signs are both on the same post!
- The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell
- The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch
- The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2
- The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions
- The phone book has only one page
- There's nothing doing every minute
- The ZIP code was a fraction
- Second Street is in the next town over
- There's no place to go that you shouldn't
- A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes
- The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog
- The New Year's baby was born in October
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| What you miss in church when you stay home ... Download Video Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
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Why kittens have such a short half-life ... 
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne,
Australia
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Sept 26th Humor Page
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